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Kitsuhana brings foxes together to share, connect and communicate.

Hello all, I go by Seeker. I've been around and around but for the past several years I've pretty much had my head in the sand as far as spiritual stuff goes. This is a fresh start for the site, so I'll write this from scratch, without looking at my old posts. It will be interesting for me to compare and contrast this with my thoughts then.

I guess this is the place to give a quick recap of my journey up to this point. In this case "Quick" is relative, unfortunately. It's been around 14 years, about half my life. This will get long. I'm going to try and stick to a timeline, but a lot of stuff back then is pretty hazy so consider everything +/- 3 years or so.

I grew up different. I saw the world in a different way, didn't play the games everyone else played. The adults in my life decided that this was "autism." I was never officially diagnosed autistic; preconceived notions don’t impress actual doctors. But that made it worse; from then on they treated it as an obedience issue- I was just choosing to be that way and if they punished me enough I would stop. Got put through "the system," foster parents, group homes, shrinks, pills. The pills are the reason that there are big hunks of this time that I can’t remember at all, and the parts I do remember may not be in the right order.

Somewhere in there, I think I was about 11 or so, I was wandering around the internet. This was the entirely pathetic start to all this. I was big into pokemon, and from there I discovered fanfiction. At some point after that I came across one that wasn't about pokemon. It was about a boy coming of age, finding out a secret about his family- that they were really kitsune, and he began transforming. Looking back, it was really juvenile stuff. But that was the first time I had heard of kitsune. The gears started to turn.

It started as simple play, an escape mechanism; it was comfortable to pretend that the pain I felt had had some meaning, that I was more than the sum of what other people decided I was. It was something to take my mind off loneliness and fear. I would create characters in my head and act out drama between them. I didn't have any real knowledge then.

More time passed. I started to become more spiritual, something I picked up somewhat from my mother. I revisited my fascination through that lens. Was looking for folklore, stumbled on a couple of pages full of roleplay instead. That didn't hold my interest for more than a week or two, but The RP sites did put one piece in place: I learned that otherkin were a thing that existed. That and Google brought me to Kitsuhana for the first time. I was actually pretty intimidated. But I got exposed to better information, and people to keep me out of the wood-chipper. I learned to look at the subject seriously, it wasn't play anymore. There was still something holding me back, and it took me another couple of years to figure it out. But thanks to KH those years weren't wasted, at least.

The above was my high school years, if I have it in the right order. Still in the system, still mostly alone. I experimented with meditation and mental constructs. I had a couple of experiences I never really got my head around involving a sort of emotional... uh, I guess maybe the term would be vampirism? It seemed like it hurt people so I stopped. Made a couple of friends, got laid. Turned 18, got off the pills, moved out on my own.

The thing holding me back was fear. I was afraid of being judged or just tossed in a loony bin. Beyond that, I still had doubts that maybe I was just another poser who was lying to himself. But I couldn't let it go. I decided it was worth it to push on, but I had to change tack.

So I stepped back a bit. Spent more time at the library and online reading tertiary stuff, meditation, spiritual topics like astral travel and auras. Did a little bit of time on some other places, read stuff from the therian community. Their experiences were totally different than mine, I didn't feel like I was one of them. But some of the introspection and meditation I picked up from them was just what I needed, although I didn't know that then. About here is when I first noticed a certain presence hanging around in real life.

To satisfy that other nagging thought, I also dived into a community of people I considered to be totally non-genuine: the infamous, now defunct digiclipse. For those who aren’t familiar this was a community of digimon otakukin with a troll vibe. Not bad people, mind you, just lost. It helped slough off some of my naivete, made me better at feeling out what was real and what wasn't. And I met someone I ended up owing a lot to, another soul-searcher who ended up there on a lark.

I returned to Kitsuhana, and continued to talk with that person. Turning to the discovery techniques I mentioned before, I decided I was going to try a new approach. If I remember right I was attempting to feel my "spiritual body" or astral self or what have you. What I got was something else entirely.

The presence I had been feeling made itself known, it had a voice. Not words, something more direct, like raw concepts. Like part of a stream of consciousness that wasn’t mine running through my head. And a feeling I came to associate with her, a deep warmth like sunshine wrapped around my shoulders. I wrote down what happened in a fair bit of detail that night, but unfortunately, the post was lost and I failed to make a local copy. What I am left with is what I remember.

The best way to describe her is a spirit guide I think. She left me with the impression of a family sort of relation, an older sister or similar. She knew me when I last lived as a fox. She showed me a memory. That’s perhaps the most precious thing I gained that day. The sleeping form of a young white fox, with a bit of gray at the end of its tail. Of my tail! She showed me myself. All at once, all my doubts and fears meant nothing. She showed me a couple of simple constructs that later proved useful. Finally, she left me with a bit of a riddle, one I never did quite figure out. “Study, purify, empower.” I’m paraphrasing, in as much as one can paraphrase something that wasn’t a phrase in the first place. But it was unambiguous.

To be honest it knocked me off my feet. I had built my entire approach to the subject from the perspective of an outsider, someone who had never had a spiritual experience like that. With that foundation scrapped, I was sort of adrift. But I had someone there to ground me again. He gave me the idea to try and channel my guide, try to let her speak through me to learn more. I eventually found a way. It required me to become very calm and run through one of the aforementioned constructs. It didn’t always work. But when it did, I would find myself typing words that weren’t coming from me. It’s not a feeling I can really put words to. Surreal comes close.

Eventually my friend, who I had come to consider a spiritual brother, learned to do the same with his inner self. Then it got a bit complicated, and that’s really where I started falling away from the whole scene. He always acted like he was dependent on me, but I was realizing it was the opposite. And that scared me, I didn’t know how to handle that. I reacted like a child and ran away. I’ll say it right here, in the off chance he ever reads this: I was wrong.

tl;dr
To finish this up, I should run down the things I concluded from these experiences. One: Despite my initial difficulty in admitting it, I am kitsune. Two: being born into this life as a human was not an accident, but likely a punishment for some transgression. Three: that there is some particular atonement expected of me, related to point two.

So not a whole lot, actually. I have general ideas about where I can go from here, but they all require a foundation in reality. So, from then up until the present day, I’ve just working on being less of a failure at being human. Progress is slow. I've now been writing and revising for way too many hours; I will end here.


tldrtl;dr Hi, call me Seeker, I’m a fox. Nice to meet you.
Greetings Seeker! It's great to see you on the new site.

What you wrote was very interesting to read. A little of it I can relate to. The part about being afraid of being judged or thrown into a lonely bin is something I struggle with alot when joining any site I'm not familiar with. It didn't used to be that way for me though, years ago I wouldn't have given a second thought to joining and telling everyone on the site I believe I am a dragon followed by a brief history of my life as a dragon and my experiences thus far. But after over five years of having to defend myself over my belief that I am a dragon I got nervous about it.

As it is I am uncertain about being here. I joined the old site originally because I was asked to join and I didn't get what I was hoping for on the old site. However, in the short time I was there before the new site was made I found a few new friends and got to make a few discussion posts that started getting a few replies despite the low site activity. I figure if that's any example of how Kitsuhana is I might come to like this place. That being said, most of the activity I saw that I felt I could reply to and got replies were either "just for fun" topics or an RP topic. With the exception of alot of site suggestions which after reading gave me the impression that help was both needed and wanted on the site so I jumped in hoping to help where I can.

It sounds like you have been on the old site alot longer and had a better experience than me. Granted I was only there a short time before a new site was made. So far I like what I see of the new site.
Last update on December 27, 9:58 pm by Greylight Spectrum.
Greylight S.
Good to see more that are transferring over here :3 Glad to see ya around Seeker :3
I'm a fox that likes to fox around.

But after over five years of having to defend myself over my belief that I am a dragon I got nervous about it.


I have a workaround for that. Except for a few precious exceptions, all our beliefs are based on personal experience. Even the exceptions are just shared experiences only relevant to those involved. That's what we've got as our evidence. To us, that's enough. To others, it's anecdotal, and a far-fetched conclusion at that. There is no proof to be given, and so, doubt is the correct response on their part. Think about how you would feel having someone of a different religious belief quote their holy book at you to "prove" something they said. It's similar to that. To them, it's evidence; to you it's just a book.

Followers of most religions are commanded to convert others. We aren't a religion, we aren't burdened by this geas. We can't convert anyone, we don't have dogma to impose on others. So whether someone validates or dismisses your beliefs only has the value you place on it. Consider their perspective: they are right to question, so don't take offense or fear it. If they're being a dick, ignore them. Otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt that they're just treating the subject with due gravity. That's extremely valuable. I never would have gotten this far without the sincere skepticism of others. Learn to love it.

Acceptance is a great thing, but consider the social and spiritual separately. Don't miss connecting with people because they don't believe you, and don't base the strength of your belief on whether you can convince others. There's no need to do so. And if they can be as upfront about their disbelief as you are about your belief, that's a fair enough common ground. I'll take an honest asshole over a polite liar any day.
Seeker said...



I have a workaround for that. Except for a few precious exceptions, all our beliefs are based on personal experience. Even the exceptions are just shared experiences only relevant to those involved. That's what we've got as our evidence. To us, that's enough. To others, it's anecdotal, and a far-fetched conclusion at that. There is no proof to be given, and so, doubt is the correct response on their part. Think about how you would feel having someone of a different religious belief quote their holy book at you to "prove" something they said. It's similar to that. To them, it's evidence; to you it's just a book.


That's how I see it too. You make a good point about the skeptisism being the right response for others. Though that's not where my fear comes from.


Seeker said...


Followers of most religions are commanded to convert others. We aren't a religion, we aren't burdened by this geas. We can't convert anyone, we don't have dogma to impose on others... If they're being a dick, ignore them.


This describes what I was talking about in terms of my fear and having to defend myself. Basically that this will happen again and people will try to convert me as it were. I was caught up in sites that believed everyone had to conform to their definition of being otherkin and would throw it in their face saying stuff along the lines of "You didn't accept what we said, you're a fake!" followed by "You are claiming stuff that can't be proven where as what we believe holds some basis in scientific fact. So what we believe is more legitimate than what you believe." if they disagreed with the mods of the site backing them up if anyone said anything to the contrary of their statement of their belief being more legitimate than mine or another person believing their being otherkin has something spiritual to it instead of being purely scientific and logic based. These sites also believed that different types of otherkin should remain apart from one another on a claim that one species was in some way better or "superior" to another. Kindof wish I knew people like you back then who knew to just ignore such things and not let it get to you.


Seeker said...


Acceptance is a great thing, but consider the social and spiritual separately. Don't miss connecting with people because they don't believe you, and don't base the strength of your belief on whether you can convince others. There's no need to do so. And if they can be as upfront about their disbelief as you are about your belief, that's a fair enough common ground.


I agree with you here. It is a lesson I had to learn the hard way in reverse. I got pulled into arguments with people trying to convince me of their beliefs over mine, over whether or not my beliefs were just as legitimate as their own. I found out years later it was all for nothing.


Seeker said...


I'll take an honest asshole over a polite liar any day.


Oddly enough I've known people who managed to be both in the same year. One site I was on for a little over a year was owned and managed by such people. They started being very polite, very understanding, and promoting their site as a place for otherkin to come and socialize without the fear of being brought down or criticized for their beliefs. This got alot of people to join up in a hurry. But after a few months they made rules that we had to post at least once a month, then once a week, then once a day or we would get a message saying if we did not participate more we would be banned. Well noone ever got that message and many people were banned for everything from being away due to finances, moves, and real life getting too busy to be online. The reason we were all given was that we chose to break the rule regarding activity and an automatic ban without notice followed by an IP block and warning being sent out to all remaining members not to have anything to do with us is standard and it was our own fault that it happened for not posting as much as was expected. After this people started getting banned for not instantly having the exact same beliefs as the site owners and anyone who even hinted at questioning anything they claimed was instantly flamed and banned with no hope of saying anything in their defense.

My fear comes from my experience on that site as they also told my spiritual sister how rotten they thought I was and how I was rallying others they banned against them in some weird holy war and how all these super wise super powerful spirits were on their side and were proof of these claims in addition to me being a liar and a fake. Anyways, she told me what they were doing which made sense with all the flack I was suddenly getting from people who never had a problem with me before. She told me they were likely influencing them to be at odds with me.

Recently I got a message that these people have deleted their entire site and are setting up their new one with the same exact claims as the old one, with the exception that only their own kintype can join but a note that this may change and they have plans to become a place for otherkin to come and socialize in a friendly and open-minded environment. Needless to say I'm not buying it this time. But the experience there coupled with what I described earlier has left me nervous that the same thing will happen again elsewhere.

Sorry if I'm rambling, wanted to share as many details as I feel I can.
Last update on December 29, 2:35 pm by Greylight Spectrum.
Greylight S.
Yello :3 ! I never really had doubt, and knew what I was before I discovered the term otherkin or found other people like me. Heck before I ever talked with anyone about kin stuff I had a 1/2 native american friend who taught me basics of energy work (because my energy overflow was literally causing me headaches.) My biggest button is when folks try to cast other kinfolk's beliefs into doubt and question o.oU
Pretty much the same here except I didn't have any friends to help me out or teach me anything like energy work. I pretty much discovered my kin-type on my own and made alot of discoveries by myself. It wasn't until I got online and joined the otherkin communities that I started getting any real help with my discoveries and the huge gaps in my spiritual memories.



Greylight S.
Greylight S.
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